Hello hello, how to begin?

When I was in school I had a blog that I would update every week. The blog was technically anonymous, but everyone knew I wrote it and whenever I posted something my friends would read it and send me feedback. Some of them had blogs too, it was a different time. I can't remember what I wrote about, it was probably all very angsty and idealistic. But I do remember the feeling I got when I posted something and it was a good feeling. Slightly scary sometimes, like when I'd write about someone I had a crush on or offer up a strong opinion on a 'worldly' subject, but a powerful feeling nonetheless, like I was more than a strong headed kid trying not to go to school and fighting with her parents. I had a blog that people read. I was a blogger. 

With time, I stopped posting and eventually deleted the blog altogether. I am mostly grateful that I deleted the blog, who wants to reread what they wrote at sixteen? Definitely not me. But sometimes I feel a little wistful about it too. This is a constant problem that I face as a non-hoarder (not a minimalist) and I am sure other non-hoarders will agree with me too. 

Anyway my point is not to force the five people reading this tinyletter down memory lane with me, but just to say that writing this reminds me a little of having a blog. There is an endless amount of things you could say and that is daunting.

The last time I was truly nervous about writing something was when I began writing a novel. It was summer and I was in London, halfway through a masters degree. For a few days, all I did was stare blankly at my notebook and then go out in search of distractions. But eventually, I got into the swing of things. At the time I had all the confidence in the world. Now I find myself lacking. Every few days I have an idea for something I want to write and my partner always listens with endless patience and cheers me on. But the truth is I have written nothing for a long time because I am scared. Writing is (should be) an exercise is vulnerability, and I have not been willing to be vulnerable for some time now.

This is of course no way to go about living one's life and so here is my first attempt to write and share. Hopefully it will make some of you laugh or cry or think happy thoughts. I'm not entirely sure what I will write, and how often I will post. Everyday seems a bit much, but I am a fan of regularity. What I do know is that whenever I post, I will share one essay/song/video/poem with you all. I say one because anymore than that seems like I am asking you all to do homework that nobody will look at but everyone will feel a little guilty about it. This is meant to be a pleasurable read, not a resource list for people who want to become 'cultured' during this pandemic. I am certainly not harbouring such expectations for myself. 

For this week, I am sharing a Meerabai bhajan that I have been listening to during my yoga practice recently. A dear friend sent it to me and it has set the tone for so many of my days now. I am very grateful. Kishori Amonkar's voice is guaranteed to make anyone's day ten times better.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZW1c2OZktuo I never thought I would be the kind of person who listened to bhajans, but here we are. Enjoy.